John Heitinga has people buried under his patio.
John Heitinga is The Don.
John Heitinga rules Holland with an iron dildo.
John Heitinga smokes cocaine, injects weed and sniffs heroin.
John Heitinga has 6 wives, 12 mistresses, 9 bits on the side and still finds the strength to bash out 5 wanks a day on top of shagging all of them.
John Heitinga shot the sheriff and then ground the deputy into dust.
John Heitinga lost 1 arse cheek in an unfortunate smelting accident.
John Heitinga has 45 illegitimate children all of whom are named Johan.
John Heitinga eats small children and swills them down with bunny rabbit blood.
John Heitinga knew The Beatles before they were famous. John Heitinga owns the red light district.
John Heitinga shoots puppies with a shotgun.
John Heitinga is turning paddys wigwam into a ganja factory.
John Heitinga is banging Alex Curran/Gerrard.
John Heitinga told Jose Mourinho how to be "special".
John Heitinga hates Joleon Lescott.
John Heitinga has a pet alligator that he feeds on a diet of dead cats.
John Heitinga supervises mass orgies wile sitting atop a pile of naked bodies.
John Heitinga is working undercover for the Dutch government to organise the killing of Dirk Kujt.
John Heitinga owns a three wheel van which he uses to tow his caravan.
John Heitinga killed for the first time aged just 4 years and 8 months old.
John Heitinga has your mum on speed dial.
John Heitinga is a pimp to 237 prostitutes and 1 gay guy.
John Heitinga is Fernando Torres's real dad and knows that s/he is really a woman.
John Heitinga is the reason the managers of Real Madrid never last longer than a season as the board fear him.
John Heitinga leaving is the reason Athletico Madrid are struggling this season.
John Heitinga called Rafa Benitez a stupid beardy twat to his face before slapping him on his arse and calling him his bitch.
John Heitinga's home has a pool full of human blood.
John Heitinga shot JR in Dallas.
John Heitinga was the second gunman on the grassy knowl.
John Heitinga shits concrete n pisses acid.
John Heitinga drinks pints of whiskey on a night out.
John Heitinga can sniff cocaine up through his arsehole.
John Heitinga lost his parents who suffered similtaneous heart attacks during a rampant sex session.
John Heitinga is the banker on Deal Or No Deal.
John Heitinga made the devil squeel like a bitch.
John Heitinga is always watching you.
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