Fantasy Facebook

Alright lid.

Hope you had a nice summer off.  The new season is upon us though.  The stuff that makes your heart skip a bit, Hibbert to score his first goal in an Everton shirt, the strongest squad since the eighties making a real go at some silverware (bollocks to all this 'top 4' shite - I'm a traditionist), some bright new talent, some experienced players at their prime.  It's now or never, this is the Everton Golden Generation and the point that DM has been working towards.  Let's see what can fuck it up for us then eh?

So to get us back on an even keel, I'm stealing the content of this post from Kipper because it's a class thread and made me laugh a few times.  It's been running for twelve months now, have a mooch at the full thing but here's the highlights.

All credit to: Bluekipper
The OP: The_La
and every other contributer.

FANTASY FACEBOOK STATUSES

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Tim Howard FUCK TWAT WANK SHITE GAY

Mikel Arteta likes this

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Tony Hibbert took the quiz: 'Which Everton player are you?' The result was: 'Inconclusive'

Leon Osman likes this

David Moyes: FPMSL!
Carlo Nash: You an all?

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Bill Kenwright has joined the "looking for investment group".

Click HERE to join this group,
or go away and ponder/mull/think about it for a while.


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Dan Gosling has just made a big step up in his career.
Shola Ameobi, Sol Campbell & 49 others like this.

David Moyes as if Dan, dry your eyes mate.
Tony Hibbert Hehe, good one boss.
Mageye Gueye =D

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Carlo Nash and James Beattie are now friends.

James Beattie and Roy Hodgson are now friends.
Davy Moyes and 36,580 others like this.

Lukas Jutkiewicz and Lee Carsley are now friends. Kieran Agard likes this.

Steven Pienaar just poked God.

Andy Van der Meyde just bought 4 Chang at Tescos. Result!!

Dan Gosling has just bought a new overcoat.

Wayne Rooney is off to Florida! Coleen Rooney doesn't like this!!!

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Anthony James Hibbert - Haha red n white shite hello hello..... murrderrrersss

Andrew Johnson, Duncan Ferguson, Micheal Ball and 21 others like this.

Phillip Neville: I wish you wouldn't do this Tony, it makes us all look bad

Anthony James Hibbert: Haha sorry gaffer, wat you gona do, tell on me pippy?

Mikel Arteta: haha pippy lol

Phillip Neville: Please don't get involved Mikel I thought you where better than this

Joleon Lescott likes this comment

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Landon Donovan is waiting for a call from Everton.... :-)
About 1 hour ago

Phil Neville, David Moyes, Tim Howard and 40,000 others liked this.

Bill Kenwright: Watch this space, Landon!

David Moyes: Oh for fuck's sake Bill....

Paul Gregg: Have you not got any money left from the Fortress fund Bill? *sniggers*

Keith Wyness: LOLZ!!!!

Trevor Birch: Hahahaha - nice one Paul! Don't hold your breath, Landon!

Bill Kenwright: Carts.

Landon Donovan: :-(

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Yakubu Aiyegbeni Who's Purple Aki?
Comment Like? Dislike

about a minute ago

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John Terry joined the group - Sex isn't everything in a relationship, some just want a good sandwich.

Yakubu likes this

Jose Mourinho LOL

Victor Anichebe - "You would Yak lad"

Anthony James Hibbert - I kno what u mean boys haha

Maro 'Felly' Fellaini - Fuck off

Jamie 'Carragold 24" Carragher '5times baby' - Ah bitters

Anthony James Hibbert just poked Jamie 'Carragold24 Carragher '5times baby'.

The Pan Calling The Kettle Black Arse

The Koppites have been very fond of labelling Evertonians as 'bitter blues' whenever we have challenged their arrogance, obsession with history and blatant superiority complex in recent years.

"18 duck 5. You acerbity crossbreed." they would tell us in Norwegian.

note: this is a bad online translation of the phrase '18 and 5. You bitter bastard.'

It is they though who have showed an incredible degree for pure, genuine bitterness in the past few weeks towards Manchester United. They have become obsessed with United making the record of English title triumphs their own and many of them even wished for their own team to lose to Chelsea last week to ensure that didn't happen. Some have even hailed Gerrard as a true red for the backpass that gifted Chelsea their opener. This is bitterness beyond belief and although it seems they got their wish with regards to the destination of the title, they can never call me bitter again.

It's not about bitterness though because although I can't speak for every Evertonian on earth, I can honestly say that I've never been jealous of the success they enjoyed when I was a kid. I do find though that Evertonians who grew up in Liverpool during the seventies and early eighties had to ensure so much shit from our inbred cousins across the park that it's kind of left a stain on our souls that means every time they fail, each disaster that the club endures, we see it as a little bit of karma payback. Alot of Blues will tell you that they don't give a shite what Liverpool do. I'll guarantee that most of those people don't fall into the '70s/80s/Liverpool' bracket outlined above.

'Liverpool Are Magic, Everton Are Tragic' sang the squeaky voiced Emlyn and look what happened to him.

From my personal viewpoint, I'd support any team on the planet against LFC. Even a Saddam Hussein XI. This is not bitterness, just an ingrained hatred of Liverpool FC and everything they stand for.

I've NEVER owned a red car and never will. I had a maroon Mondeo once but they was a little close to the edge so I crashed it. Me and my mate Eggg'ead picked up a rental in Prague for the drive across to Nuremburg a couple of years ago in the UEFA Cup and almost asked for a different car because it was RED!!

I don't really wear red clothes. The missus often gets me red stuff just to piss me off but I keep it indoors like a dirty secret.

If YNWA happens to be sung by a contestant on XFactor or something I instantly harbour a pathalogical hatred towards them.

I don't allow red to be used as a paint in the house because it makes me sick.

I even look at my wrists and note that my blood is blue.

Maybe then I've managed to explain a little about why I hate Liverpool so passionately. On this, the last day of the season, they have just about managed to finish a place above us, Everton, a team that lost the first four months of the season to injury and a team that has spent multi-multi millions less than them in the transfer market.

Landon Donovan: substance or spin?

Like trips to the cinema and popcorn, like fish and chips, like JR and Sue Ellen, Everton and Landon Donovan just kind of go together well.

Why though?

What the fuck has a Californian with a big fod got in common with a football club in the Merseyside heartland of Walton? There was absolutely nothing to suggest that the loan deal of Landon Donovan from LA Galaxy to Everton in January 2009 would be anything more than a couple of fleeting substitute appearances that at best would sell us a few more shirts in the USA.

But ohhhhh nooooo, Landon and EFC became like Jack Daniels and Coke. They just clicked.

Donovan got off the plane at Heathrow and basically got straight on the pitch across London at the monolithic Emirates Stadium, home of Premier title chasing Arsenal. He announced his arrival with a delightful delivery which was met by the diminutive Leon Osman as Everton dominated the game and were robbed of victory with two deflected Arsenal goals. 2-2.

After that, Landon made his home debut against the oil rich Arab owned Manchester City, a side playing fantasy football with the best players in the world and convinced they were entitled to a run at the title - or Champions League qualification at the very least. Everton completely played Citeh off the park winning 2-0 (should've been more) and Donovan put in a good solid display and the 'American players are shit' brigade began to re-examine their pre-conceptions.

After that, Donovan saw some sobering lows (Birmingham in the FA Cup and a scratchy, ugly defeat across the Park) but some scintillating highs (Goodison defeats of Chelsea and Man Utd, a rousing home farewell and sign off goal in the 5-1 hammering of hapless Hull and the emotional goodbye at St.Andrews) but the overall feeling from his time at Everton was overwhelmingly positive.

There's a few reasons for this I think.

Landon offered us something we've desperately needed for some years now...attacking pace to burn and direct running down the right flank. He showed a passion, desire and will to win that every fan can associate with. He did our precious number 9 shirt proud, albeit in an unfamiliar part of the pitch for the Everton 9 to be plying his trade. The short-lived love affair between the LA boy and EFC wasn't just about his ability on the field though because I'm sure there are more technically gifted attacking right-sided players on the planet right now.

He seemed to always say the right thing. From his first press conference to his final Facebook status update when he was sitting in Heathrow departures, the soundbite or quote was always on the mark. Tony Blair's PR spin machine would've been proud.

Which brings me to my only nagging doubt.

Landon Donovan. Everton FC icon and legend in the making, blue blood and never forgotten until he returns someday?

Or fucking excellent politician?

80's Hooliganism - A Shithouse Standpoint

We're playing West Ham at Goodison in a couple of days. I know that the current crop of Hammers 'boys' haven't quite got the reputation of their ICF peers of the 1980's (mostly blokes now who've got mortgages and drive Mondeo's) but thinking of West Ham got me remembering a few of my scariest escapades supporting the blues through the dark days of early eighties football hooliganism.

It was about 1983 and I was standing in the terraced paddock right in the shadow of the main stand not too far from the old Park End - the days when it housed the away fans behind the goal and was about three feet wide. We were 2-0 up with about five minutes to go and I suddenly became aware that the crowd around me was dissolving. I looked around wondering WTF was going on and looked to my right. Everton had opened the gates ready for the final whistle and about half a dozen ICF had decided to have a wander into an Everton part of the ground and were steadily walking towards me, a 16 year old shithouse who was beginning to rapidly become isolated! They were doing these 'come on, let's fakkin' 'ave it!' motions with their hands and all looked ready to leave a calling card or two on the nearest Scouser. Which at this very moment was me. They started to go into a kind of pincer movement and began to speed up towards me as I suddenly thought 'Oh bollocks! Gotta go here!' - and as I turned to join the rest of the quickly retreating crowd one of them produced a blade which flashed under the floodlights. I saw my pretty boy, New Romantic looks disappearing fearing I would never look like Simon Le Bon when from nowhere three hefty coppers pounced on them and a bit of a ruck started which resulted ultimately in them being escorted from the stadium by the local constabulary.

The only other occasions I ever felt that I needed to genuinely fear for my existence happened in Manchester. Three times.

A night match at Maine Road, home of Manchester City was something to behold. A walk through the edges of Moss Side, gun and drug capital of the north-west and through a maze of little terraced streets offering a multiude of hiding places and ambush points. We got legged all over those streets after a game one night, they never caught us though the dirty Manc scumbags. Then there was a visit to Old Trafford sometime in the early nineties. We were given a police escort from the station to the ground and talk about the gauntlet of hate. They bottled us, threw piss at us, spat at us, threatened to cut our throats...and that was just the police! And then the time I was at Picadilly in Manchester after a game at Old Trafford waiting for the train on my own and got approached by three Manc lads clearly desperate to give any Everton fan at all a slap or three. They asked me who I supported and I managed to answer in a decent enough Manchester accent 'A dornt like footah' and they had a bit of a debate about whether or not to give me a kickin' and finally decided not to. I was working in Manchester at the time so had the accent down ok luckily.

I know these accounts all involve me avoiding getting me face slashed or my head kicked in and I'd love to be able to tell you all about how I led a firm of ten lads and chased Tottenham all over London - but I'd be lying wouldn't I?

Everton did have some serious players around that time though and you can read all about it in the absolute classic book 'Scally' by Andy Nicholls.

Sleep Therapy

I dreamed a dream.

The dream involved just FOUR little things happening this season that didn't happen.

It changed everything.

23/8/09
Burnley v Everton
Everton are toiling 1-0 down against a very average Burnley side still buoyed by a win over Manchester United earlier in the week. Hibbert goes over and Phil Dowd awards a dubious penalty. Saha scores sending Jensen the wrong way. The game finished 1-1.
Everton +1 point Burnley -1 point20/12/09
Everton v Birmingham
At 1-0 up, Everton are comfortable and Louis Saha springs the offside trap to make it 2-0. Birmingham pull one back but it's not enough.
Everton +2 points Birmingham -1 point

6/2/10
Liverpool v Everton
With Liverpool down to ten men, Tim Cahill buries a trademark header from six yards at the Anfield Road end just before half time. Liverpool fluke one back later in the game to make it 1-1.
Everton +1 point Liverpool -2 points

28/2/10
Spurs v Everton
In the second half, it's 2-1 to Spurs and Everton are completely on top. A tremendous ball from Rodwell finds Landon Donovan at the far post who calmly slots home to make it 2-2. Everton +1 point Spurs -2 points

Four things that have this impact.

Everton +5
Burnley -1
Birmingham -1
Redshite -2
Spurs -2

The revised league table puts us on level points with the Gobshites with a game in hand. Even more tellingly, only 3 points away from 4th spot.

The finest margins. Live the dream people.

1 Man Utd 29 43 63

2 Chelsea 28 39 61

3 Arsenal 29 37 61

4 Man City 27 17 49

5 Tottenham 28 23 47

6 Liverpool 29 16 46

7 Everton 28 4 46

8 Aston Villa 26 16 45

9 Birmingham 28 -1 42

10 Fulham 28 3 38

11 Stoke 28 -5 35

12 Blackburn 28 -15 34

13 Sunderland 28 -8 30

14 Bolton 29 -22 29

15 Wigan 28 -26 28

16 West Ham 28 -9 27

17 Wolves 28 -25 24

18 Hull 28 -33 24

19 Burnley 29 -31 23

20 Portsmouth 28 -23 19

L4 4EL - The Postcode At The Centre Of Our World

When I was a kid, I'd get off at Bank Hall on the Northern Line walk along Stanley Road for a short while, cross over and head along Melrose Road for a bit, take a right all the way up Rumney Road and into the closely packed rows of terraces surrounding my spiritual home, Goodison Park, L4 4EL - home of Everton FC.

It's funny, it doesn't matter that these days I'm lucky enough to live in a lovely, semi-rural part of North Warwickshire...there's still a part of me just off County Road in Walton and whenever I go back there, it invariably feels like a homecoming. Goodison is a fairly ramshackle old bin these days, like a doddery old boy who sits by the fire in his slippers clinging on to yesteryear. But anyone who feels what I'm describing, knows what I'm saying. We've all laughed and cried at Goodison. Had moments of ecstasy that can only be compared to class A substance abuse or a night of pork scratchings and baby oil with Cheryl Cole in a Travel Inn in Hartlepool. Or experienced crushing disappointment that makes you feel like your heart is being twisted inside your chest (or was that just the Chang mixing with the Wagon Wheels?). We've took our kids there for the first time like our Dads took us...the buzz around Spellow Lane and County Road as you get nearer the ground, the programme sellers, hotdog vendors, scarfs and badges, come and get your scarfs and badges! That click through the turnstile and the walk up the old stone steps into the wooden stands and you see the lights first, then the lush green of the playing surface and you're inside the stadium, breathing some sort of special air that changes you forever.

This blog is simply an outlet for some of my musings and thoughts about Everton or stuff tenuously related to Everton. I don't suppose the internet needs another Everton blog but it's just a place to empty my head so if someone reads it one day, I'll be delighted. If nobody ever reads it and I get killed by a block of frozen toilet waste landing on my from 35,000 feet tomorrow...it'll sit on the net for a while then Blogger.com will flush it as dead...like it's writer. RIP Jimbo: An Evertonian Killed By Shit. Something about that is quite fitting.